Vulnerability, Changes and Answers

You know that your perspective is improving when you don’t always need to search for the good in things, because the good often jumps out at you.

For years I took pride in my optimistic perspective. My husband had teased me by giving me a name based on Transformers, “Optimist Prime”. I had a way of pulling out the good and seeing the best, usually through writing.

At times, that optimism wavered. I began to let it slip, and it was replaced by less stellar feelings.

I wasn’t the happy, upbeat, self that I had grown up as.

The years and tears had taken a toll on me.

I didn’t realize I was lost… until it was time to find myself again.

All the doors around me opening and closing… it was exhausting. I didn’t know which ones to step through, my hesitation left me feeling the breeze in my face as doors slammed shut before me. The winds of adversity blew dust in my face, blurring the reality, and I could feel the sting. I felt powerless. Where was that strength, that determination? Did I drop it along the way?

The road behind me was filled with memories. Amazing times and heartbreak. The emotions used to fluctuate, within seconds, and they controlled me rather than I them.

So, I left them on that road. Some are dust and dirt. Others are a beautiful flower on the side of the road, or a sparkling pond with its occasional ripple creating a beautiful effect.

Not everything is beautiful. Not everything has good to it.

But most things can be. And most things can.

It’s fun to not have to dig for the “bright side”, to over-analyze, to make excuses.

It’s freeing.

I had a serious attachment to my old home and my old life. It was purely based on comfort zone. I realize that now, but I didn’t then.

I was torn between feeling it was holding me back and desperate to propel forward, and being terrified to take steps and to leave the past behind, where the past belongs.

I thought that leaving my surroundings behind, dismissing certain people in life and stopping them from shaking my perspective and confidence, and tearing down the barriers that had amounted and kept me from being me would be a difficult task.

It was.

But in all honesty, it was easier than I had anticipated, because I knew deep down it was right.

We all have a place.

The place for me, right here and right now, is to be sitting at my desk in my office writing, while I hear my children’s laughter in the other room as they play.

I’m not meant to be “spinning in circles” like I was. My mind full of ideas, wishes, dreams, goals… and excuses, reasons, doubts, uncertainties.

I’m meant for so much more.

It doesn’t really matter how many people see it, but I know there are many who do.

I see it.

I know it.

I feel it.

I was lost. It was hard. It was confusing and sad.

But now, I have found me. I have found my purpose. My joy. My ambitions. My worth.

If you are lost, the greatest thing you can do is look into your heart and soul. There you will find the change, the turning point, the shift, if you will.

There you will find truth.

There you will find yourself.

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